Man: “I’d like the foie gras appetizer, but I can’t have any butter or cream. Can it be made without dairy?”
Cheer: “I’ll check with the chef and see.”
Man: “Thanks.”
Cheer: “What would you like for your entrée?”
Man: “Well, I’m interested in the pork, but again, I can’t have any dairy. Can we make a substiution to avoid any dairy in the grits?”
Cheer: “Sure. We can give you extra vegetables or french fries.”
Man: “Fries sound great. Thanks so much.”
Cheer: “OK. So, we’ll start you with a dairy-free foie gras if possible, followed by a dairy-less pork—no grits, sub fries. To finish up your pre-fixe menu ordering, what would you like for your dessert?”
Man: “The cheese plate.”
Cheer: “It’s not wise to fuck with the people who handle your food.”

Every once in a while, I find it entertaining to read reviews of the restaurant that employs me. During a recent visit to Yelp, I found the reviews to be full of moronic quotes. As I read, I realized this isn’t just a sample of the general public, this is a sample that I have actually interacted with. These are the people who inspire entries on this blog. So, for your reading pleasure, I give you the inane Yelp dribble from the dolts that pay my rent.

“I don’t know if rhubarb and strawberries go together.” –Leo O., Brooklyn, NY

They do, Leo. The rest of the world had a meeting a long time ago and agreed on it. Catch up.

“A better man than myself would be able to tell you ‘well you see he just needed a dash of lemon in the risotto to cut the fat’ or ‘tossing the tuna tartar in soy BEFORE plating it would make it richer’ but i will just say that something is missing…” -Furyk C., Chicago, IL

Hand me my DOUCHE stamp, Furyk’s forehead needs some ink.

“I would not hesitant to visit again.” –Jeannine L., San Francisco, CA

I love it when people don’t hesitant. Not hesitanting is really the best way to live life. Once I knew this girl who hesitanted and she ended up a broke cripple. True story.

“The waitress completely gave me the wrong drink. I wanted the mango martini, I received white wine. Whatever. I sucked it up and didn’t complain. Good wine is good too. This was not so good.” –Irene H., Middle Village, NY

Irene, please take yourself out of the gene pool as soon as possible.

“Positives: bathroom is very nice.” –Matthew F., Huntington Station, NY

Matthew, you’re a man with his priorities in order. Who cares about food in a restaurant review anyway? Am I right?! Hey, can you score me an 8 ball?

“The train announcements in the background were at first distracting, but became a part of the scene, signaling that you were near the center of the universe.” –Devyn S., Rensselaer, NY

Double rainbow.

“I can’t quite recall what we all had.” –Michelle H., New York, NY

“I don’t remember how each specific item tasted.” –Keith K., San Francisco, CA

Keith, I know this girl named Michelle. I think you’d like her.

“It was as if the ‘real’ servers had all been kidnapped, and the runners and dishwashers were left to hold down the fort.” –Mariana L., New York, NY

C’mon, Mariana. You know better. Just because the servers aren’t white doesn’t mean they’re dishwashers.

Cheer: “Would you like anything beside water to drink today?”
Customer: “I’ll probably have a Diet Coke.”
Cheer: “That is not an answer.”

Cheer: “Do you prefer bottled or tap water?”
Customer: “Iced tea.”
Cheer: “That is not a type of water.”

Cheer: “Do you prefer bottled or tap water?”
Customer: “Yes.”

Cheer: “Do you prefer bottled or tap water?”
Customer: “No.”
Cheer: “No, you don’t have a preference, or no, you don’t want water?”
Customer: “I don’t want water.”
Cheer: “Freak.”

Cheer: “Do you prefer bottled or tap water?”
Customer: “I’m waiting for someone.”
Cheer: “Yes, I know. That’s why I brought another menu and set it on the other setting across from you. I just thought you might like to consume some form of fluid while you wait for said person.”
Customer: “You’d be wrong. You wrongy-wrong-pants. Why on earth would I drink anything before my guest arrives?!”
Cheer: “Well, I’m obviously out of line here. I’ll leave you waterless and alone now.”

Cheer: “Do you prefer bottled or…”
Customer: “No menus.”
Cheer: “Uhhhh…”
Customer: “I’m waiting for someone.”
Cheer: “OK.”
Customer: “You can bring the menus back when he arrives.”
Cheer: “OoooooK. Would you like something to drink while you wait?”
Customer: “No.”
Cheer: “Water?”
Customer: “No. Nothing. Now leave me alone, you helpful wench.”

Cheer: “Do you prefer bottled or tap water?”
Customer: “Tap is fine.”
Cheer: “OK, and could I bring you anything else to drink while you’re waiting for your dining companion?”
Customer: “No, I’ll wait for him, but, I’ll probably want an iced tea, and he’ll probably want a Diet Coke.”
Cheer: “OK. So, I’ll leave you with water for now and come back when your guest arrives?”
Customer: “Thanks.”
— Guest Arrives —
Cheer: “Would either of you like anything beside water to drink?”
Guest: “No.”
First guy: “Really? No, Diet Coke?”
Guest: “Nah.”
First guy: “Huh.”
Cheer to first guy: “So, iced tea for you?”
First guy: “No. Nothing. Thank you.”
Cheer: “WTF.”