Monthly Archives: March 2011

Bite Size, Listening: No One's Doing It Anymore, Restaurant

Listening: No One’s Doing It Anymore II

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tomato_bisque

Cheer: “The soup today is a tomato bisque. Do you have any questions about the menu?”

Customer 1: “What’s the soup?”
Cheer: “Tomato bisque.”

Customer 2: “What comes with the steak?”
Cheer: “Fries and a salad.”
Customer 2: “And what is the soup today?”
Cheer: “Tomato bisque.”

Customer 3: “What comes with the steak?”
Cheer: “Fries and a salad.”
Customer 3: “What is the soup today?”
Cheer: “Ask customer 1 or 2.”

Customer 4: “What is a steak?”
Cheer: “Expensive meat.”
Customer 4: “And what comes with that?”
Cheer: “Probably what’s listed on the menu, and what I just told customers 2 and 3.”
Customer 4: “Hmmm. And what’s the soup today?”
Cheer: “I will cut you.”

Restaurant

Best of Yelp

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Every once in a while, I find it entertaining to read reviews of the restaurant that employs me. During a recent visit to Yelp, I found the reviews to be full of moronic quotes. As I read, I realized this isn’t just a sample of the general public, this is a sample that I have actually interacted with. These are the people who inspire entries on this blog. So, for your reading pleasure, I give you the inane Yelp dribble from the dolts that pay my rent.

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“I don’t know if rhubarb and strawberries go together.” –Leo O., Brooklyn, NY

They do, Leo. The rest of the world had a meeting a long time ago and agreed on it. Catch up.

 

“A better man than myself would be able to tell you ‘well you see he just needed a dash of lemon in the risotto to cut the fat’ or ‘tossing the tuna tartar in soy BEFORE plating it would make it richer’ but i will just say that something is missing…” -Furyk C., Chicago, IL

Hand me my DOUCHE stamp, Furyk’s forehead needs some ink.

 

“I would not hesitant to visit again.” –Jeannine L., San Francisco, CA

I love it when people don’t hesitant. Not hesitanting is really the best way to live life. Once I knew this girl who hesitanted and she ended up a broke cripple. True story.

 

“The waitress completely gave me the wrong drink. I wanted the mango martini, I received white wine. Whatever. I sucked it up and didn’t complain. Good wine is good too. This was not so good.” –Irene H., Middle Village, NY

Irene, please take yourself out of the gene pool as soon as possible.

 

“Positives: bathroom is very nice.” –Matthew F., Huntington Station, NY

Matthew, you’re a man with his priorities in order. Who cares about food in a restaurant review anyway? Am I right?! Hey, can you score me an 8 ball?

“The train announcements in the background were at first distracting, but became a part of the scene, signaling that you were near the center of the universe.” –Devyn S., Rensselaer, NY

Double rainbow.

 

“I can’t quite recall what we all had.” –Michelle H., New York, NY

“I don’t remember how each specific item tasted.” –Keith K., San Francisco, CA

Keith, I know this girl named Michelle. I think you’d like her.

 

“It was as if the ‘real’ servers had all been kidnapped, and the runners and dishwashers were left to hold down the fort.” –Mariana L., New York, NY

C’mon, Mariana. You know better. Just because the servers aren’t white doesn’t mean they’re dishwashers.

Bite Size, Restaurant

Burger

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Cheer: “Do you have any questions about the menu?”

Lady: “The ‘Comes-From-A-Local-Farm Burger’, that’s vegetarian, right?”

Cheer: “Uhhhhh, no. That’s whole lotta beefy, meaty-meat. A hamburger.”

Lady: “Oh, OK. Well, that’s OK, I’m not a vegetarian. I’ll have that.”

Cheer: “Uh-huh.”

veggie_burger

Bite Size, Listening: No One's Doing It Anymore, Restaurant

Listening: No One’s Doing It Anymore

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Cheer: “Hi. I’ve come to serve you. To appease your every need. To wait on you hand and foot. For a few dollars.”

Customer: “After the third quarter review, Flotsam realized he was losing time with the NQRP, and he went behind Jetsam’s back to initiate the sale with Kleinstein. The LDT never changed its course until the NWS gave the signal to access the VQ Fund. Only then, with the contract on the table, did Blinkerflacker call on the elite network for a brainstorming session to come up with more lingo to use at restaurants while we ignore our server.”

Cheer: “I’ve been standing here, patiently waiting, for a good minute. Waiting for you to finish your thought, and shut the fuck up, so I can get your damn martini order. If you even dared to glance in my general direction, to acknowledge my existence, I might not have a strong urge to whip out my vagina and piss on your face right now.”

Customer: “Then the head of the RN187 division…”

Cheer: “Fuck my life.”


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