Cheer lists her 2002 Lexus IS300 for sale online and receives an email response from Tom, who is interested in seeing the car. Tom gives his phone number and requests a call from Cheer. Tom is available anytime, he says. Tom does not believe in punctuation or capitalization. Cheer and Tom meet one night for a test drive after Tom gets out of work. Tom is of average height, mid-twenties, looks to be of Middle Eastern decent, but has a New York accent. He’s clean cut, trendy, confident and wearing too much cologne. Tom brings his baby boy and a friend. Tom’s friend is Sedgwick, who is the strong, silent, don’t-fuck-with-me type. Sedgwick holds the baby. Cheer and Tom leave Sedgwick and baby behind, and Cheer gets in the passenger seat to let Tom drive her baby.

In the car driving around New York City’s Upper East Side:

Tom: “You know I was quite surprised upon meeting you tonight.”

Cheer: “Why?”

Tom: “Well, when I spoke to you on the phone I thought you were Indian.”

Cheer: “Hahaha. Indian? What?!”

Tom: “Yeah, Indian or black.”

Cheer: “Black? What?! Hahaha. Indian or black? Those were the two options?”

Tom: “Yeah, you know, you sounded different. And you’re over there in Harlem.”

Cheer: “Wow. You are the first person to ever tell me I sounded Indian or black, or anything other than the non-accented, pasty, redhead I am.”

Tom: “Really?”

Cheer: “Really. But, your error amuses me greatly.”

Tom: “So, how’d you end up in Harlem?”

Cheer: “Well, that’s where I found an apartment with everything I was looking for. I opted for space and amenities over location.”

Tom: “Huh. I don’t approve.”

Cheer: “I’ll keep that in mind while I continue to live there. But I’ll humor you, where do you suggest I live? Long Island? That’s where you live, right?”

Tom: “No, I work in Long Island. I live in Queens.”

Cheer: “Ah. So, I should live in Queens?”

Tom: “Yeah. Queens is great.”

Cheer: “Why’s that?”

Tom: “Well, I grew up there, and I still live there, so to avoid cognitive dissonance, I think it’s the best place to live.”

Cheer: “That’s cute.”

Later that same test drive:

Cheer: “So, are you familiar with the IS? Or do you want to know a little about it?”

Tom: “Nah, I’m familiar. I used to have a GS.”

Cheer: “GS, IS, same thing. What evs. So, why do you need a second car?”

Tom: “Oh, I’m not buying it for me.”

Cheer: “Oh. Who are you buying it for?”

Tom: “My baby mama.”

Cheer: “Did you really just use the phrase, ‘my baby mama,’ in a completely serious tone?”

Tom: “Pretty much. That’s how I roll.”

Cheer: “OK. Just wanted to clarify. So…that’s a pretty nice gift.”

Tom: “Yeah, well, you know. She’s driving me crazy without one.”

Cheer: “Well, I know that’s my number one reason for buying people luxury cars.”

Cheer and Tom return to Sedgwick and the baby. Tom likes the car and wants it. Tom wants the car for far less money than the price listed in the ad.

Tom: “I want the car. I’ll give you less than you’re asking, in cash, tomorrow.”

Cheer: “Cash? As in cash, cash? You want to hand me thousands of dollars in cash?”

Tom: “Yes, cash, cash. I don’t do banks.”

Cheer: “Cash and I get along. I could like this idea. But, it’s worth more and you know it.”

Tom: “There are scratches, I have to fix the CD player…”

Cheer: “It’s still worth more. But, I’ll bargain with you. How about $500 less than my listed price?”

Tom: “I don’t bargain. Same offer.”

Cheer: “Everyone bargains in car sales. It’s like, how this works.”

Tom: “Nope. Same offer.”

Cheer: “This is where you offer $500 more than your original offer.”

Tom: “Same offer.”

Cheer: “It’s worth more. It’s from Cali. I’ll pull up the Kelly Blue Book right here on my iPhone.”

Tom: “Meh. You’re going to sell to me for less because you don’t want to find another buyer.”

Cheer: “Well, that’s a two way street. You also don’t want to find another seller.”

Tom: “You weren’t supposed to point that out.”

Cheer: “So, that’s why you need to bargain.”

Tom: “Nah. Same offer. By the way did I mention I’m cocky?”

Cheer: “I’ve picked up on it.”

Tom: “So, let’s make this deal.”

Cheer: “Yeah, I’m not a huge fan of your deal.”

Tom: “Yes, you are.”

Cheer: “Cocky. Not so perceptive.”

Tom: “Cocky is more important.”

Cheer: “Good to know. I think you should give me more money.”

Tom: “Aight. Well, I gotta talk to the wife. Cause it’s really her decision.”

Cheer: “You’re buying the car. Doesn’t that make it your decision?”

Tom: “I gotta see if it’s really what she wants, blah blah blah.”

Cheer: “OK. Is the wife the same person as the baby mama?”

Tom: “Yeah.”

Cheer: “OK, well, you talk to the wife/baby mama and you call me with a real offer.”

Tom: “OK. We’ll talk tomorrow about the same offer. The wife really has nothing to do with the purchase. I just want to make you think you might lose me, making you panic and sell for less after you think about it all night.”

Cheer: “Nice strategy. I see it through it, though.”

Tom: “OK, well, I’ve already started this façade, so I’m gonna keep going with it. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Cheer: “OK.”

The following day Cheer and Tom speak, as scheduled, about the same offer.

Tom: “So, did you think about it?”

Cheer: “Me? You were the one who was supposed to think about it and talk to the wife/baby mama. You have a better offer yet?”

Tom: “No. Same offer. That’s all I can do.”

Cheer: “Uh-huh.”

Tom: “Look, I’m gonna have to fix the scratches, the CD player, and it’s gonna cost me a lotta money.”

Cheer: “C’mon. BAR-GAIN.”

Tom: “I can’t go any higher.”

Cheer: “Don’t you realize that that number is like, my bottom, last resort number?”

Tom: “Yeah. That’s why I won’t budge.”

Cheer: “You’re making my life very hard and very easy all at the same time.”

Tom: “Thanks. I’ve spent years honing the skill to accomplish that very thing.”

Cheer: “C’mon.”

Tom: “How about this. You sell for my offer and I’ll take you out to dinner.”

Cheer: “Hahaha. Did you just ask me to dinner?”

Tom: “Yeah.”

Cheer: “Do I get to pick the restaurant?”

Tom: “Yeah. Anywhere you wanna go.”

Cheer: “Hah. Well, if I get to choose, I will get my extra money out of you anyway.”

Tom: “There ya go.”

Cheer: “Or you could just give me more money.”

Tom: “Or not.”

Cheer: “You really aren’t going to budge, are you?”

Tom: “No.”

Cheer: “Lemme think about it.”

Tom: “OK.”

For a multitude of reasons, including the impending doom of New York City insurance rates and the stress of owning a car in the city, Cheer agrees to sell to Tom for less than she had hoped, but ultimately feels good about it.

Cheer and Tom speak the following day and work out the details of transferring the car. This arrangement involves Cheer driving to Queens and meeting Tom at a branch of her bank at 10:30am. Cheer is not a morning person.

Cheer to bank teller: “Hi. I, uhhh, need to make a large cash deposit. How, ummm, do I go about doing that?”

Bank teller: “You’re adorable, and I’m going to smile and make you feel A-OK about your large cash deposit ignorance.”

Cheer: “Great, cause, unfortunately, I’m not well versed in this.”

Bank teller: “Just fill out a regular deposit slip and bring it back here with the money.”

Cheer: “Easy enough. Thanks.”

Cheer walks over to a nearby bank counter where Tom and Sedgwick are standing. She begins filling out the deposit slip. Tom pulls a large wad of cash from his pocket, and he and Sedgwick begin counting out the money to be given to Cheer.

Cheer: “Filling out deposit slip…do do do… Too fucking early. Need more coffee. Hmm hmm hmmm. That’s a lot of money being counted next to me. Yes. Yes. Yes.”

Tom: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. One. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Two. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Three…”

Sedgwick double checks Tom’s counting. They are precise and fast.

Cheer: “Money, money, money, money, moooooonnnneeeeey. Oh fuck.”

Tom: “What?”

Cheer: “Oh nothing. I just thought that that hundred had bloody fingerprints on it.”

Tom: “Nah.”

Cheer: “Yeah, I’m gonna go with ‘nah’ as well.”

Cheer begins counting the cash that Tom and Sedgwick have just counted out. Cheer is not fast, or precise in the morning.

Cheer: “I’m just gonna take a while counting and knock the piles of cash around with the sleeve of my jacket, okay?”

Tom: “That’s OK, take your time. But I do have an appointment.”

Cheer: “Right. I’ll just brush the piles into each other again as you are talking.”

Sedgwick: “She’s nervous.”

Tom: “It’s OK.”

Cheer: “I haven’t slept.”

Sedgwick: “OK.”

Cheer: “Yup. There goes the bloody fingerprint hundred. Right through my hands. I’ve got bloody fingerprint money all over my hands. I’m doing deals with drug dealers. Mafia. Mafia drug dealers.”

Tom: “All good?”

Cheer: “Yup.”

Cheer takes the wad of cash to the teller.

Cheer: “Hi, again. Can you please count this, verify it as valid currency, ignore the bloody fingerprints, and deposit it?”

Teller: “Yup, do it all the time, and yup.”

Cheer: “Woot.”

Teller: “Sign here.”

Cheer: “OK.”

Teller: “You’re all set. Here’s your deposit receipt.”

Cheer: “Thanks.”

Cheer signs over the title, and fills out bill of sale forms with Tom. She leaves the bank and drives her car for the last time. She follows Sedgwick’s brand new 7 series BMW into a parking garage a short distance away. She removes her California license plate and checks for belongings one last time. She gets in the beamer with Sedgwick and Tom, who drive her to a subway stop nearby.

In the beamer:

Tom: “So, when are you gonna get out of Harlem?”

Cheer: “As soon as it’s not fun to live there. You’re not a big fan of Harlem, huh?”

Tom: “No. There are a lot of…” Tom stops himself. “…African Americans over there, yeah?”

Cheer: “Heh. Yeah.”

Tom: “You’re probably the only one there that looks like you.”

Cheer: “One of a few.”

Tom: “So, what do you do?”

Cheer: “Well, currently, I’m unemployed.”

Tom: “OK. What did you do before?”

Cheer: “Most recently, I was waiting tables.”

Tom: “Huh.”

Cheer: “I wasn’t going to dare broach the subject, but since you brought it up, what is it that you do, Tom?”

Tom: “I’m in real estate and hair styling.”

Cheer: “Hair styling, huh?”

Tom: “Yeah.”

Cheer: “So, there’s a lot of cash in hair styling or is it the real estate?”

Tom: “Well, it’s both, but more the hair styling.”

Cheer: “Ah. Well, perhaps I’ll have to get into hair styling.”

The car arrives at the subway stop.

Tom: “It was a pleasure doing business with you. Thank you.”

Cheer shakes hands with Tom and Sedgwick.

Cheer: “You as well. You have my number. Let me know if you have any trouble registering it or anything.”

Tom: “Will do.”

Cheer gets out of the car.

Tom: “And, hey, I owe you dinner.”

Cheer: “Hah. Yes. You let me know about that.”