There are always at least two people flagging me down to answer the question, “What’s this?” This means there are always at least two people could not figure out basic tool use and should not be considered homo sapiens. The following story is not unique. Therefore there are no table specifications about party size and diner descriptions.

Customers: “Hi, we’re retarded.”

Cheer: “OK, you’re not setting yourself apart from most people I wait on.”

Customers: “Tee-hee. See, we think that if we giggle while we let our retarded-ness be known, it makes us less retarded.”

Cheer: “Well, you’re wrong, but continue. I’ll humor you.”

Customers hold up the oil and vinegar cruet from the table.

Customers: “What’s this?”

Cheer: “Oil and vinegar.”

Customers: “Ooooohhhhh…”

Cheer: “Glad I could clear that up for you. See ya!”

Customers: “Wait.”

Cheer: “Yes?”

Customers: “How do you use it?”

Cheer: “Excuse me?”

Customers: “How do you get the oil and vinegar out?”

Cheer: “Wow. … OK. … Sorry. I just needed a second to process how slow your processors are. Whoooo. … OK. See this spout here?”

Customers: “Un-huh.”

Cheer: “That’s where the oil comes out when you hold the bottle at an angle.”

Customers: “Ooooohhhhh…”

Cheer: “And see this other spout here?”

Customers: “Yeah.”

Cheer: “That’s where the vinegar comes out.”

Customers: “Tee-hee. Wow! Thanks!”

Cheer: “You’re welcome. Please don’t reproduce.”