Cheer lands in Phoenix after spending nearly seven hours on a plane she expected to be on for four. She has missed her connection flight to California due to her extended time getting to know the gate and runway of JFK. She walks over to the customer service counter for US Airways, and stands at the end of a line of other delayed and disheveled travelers.
While waiting, Cheer’s new friend, aka the passenger to her right on her flight, walks up.
Plane Pal: “I guess you missed your connection, huh?”
Cheer: “Yuuuuup.”
Plane Pal: “Damn.”
Cheer: “Yeah, now I have to wait in this line to find out how to get to California.”
Plane Pal: “Well, good luck. Let me know if I can do anything.”
Cheer: “Thanks. I’ll survive. The only thing that could make my night more painful is if a perfect stranger asked me an extremely personal question and I got stuck in Phoenix.”
Cheer turns back around to face the counter and there is now a girl standing behind her in line.
Girl to Cheer in reference to Plane Pal: “In-flight hook-up?”
Cheer looks at the girl quizzically and analyzes who just asked her this question. The girl is awkward and pudgy. Her upper jaw is narrow and her gums show when she smiles. She has long, stringy, brown hair pulled back in a lazy ponytail.
As Cheer’s brain is still grasping the situation at hand, she manages to utter some words.
Cheer: “Did you just…? No…Wrong… No….”
Girl: “Hey, stranger things have happened!”
Cheer: “Like right now? Like this strange moment, where you, ask me, a complete stranger, about my sexual promiscuity while flying?”
-Crickets-
Cheer turns away and pretends to text on her cell phone.
Cheer finally reaches the counter.
Cheer: “I just got off the flight from JFK. It arrived late and I’ve missed my connection to Monterey.”
Dude behind counter: “Can I see your boarding pass?”
Cheer hands it to him.
Dude: “There are no more flights to Monterey tonight.”
Cheer: “I thought that might be the case. Can you get me to San Jose?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “San Francisco?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Oakland?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Anywhere in the bay area?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “It’s only 9pm. There’s not a single plane flying to the bay area?”
Dude: “Yeah, we don’t really like the bay area.”
Cheer: “How about a different airline?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Jeez. OK… How about LA? Can you get me to LA?
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Anywhere near LA?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Anywhere in California. Please, can you just get me to California?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “There isn’t a single flight from Phoenix to California tonight?”
Dude: “Yeah, you know my comment about the bay area? It really extends to all of California.”
Cheer: “How about you fly me to another airport that is flying to California?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?”
Dude: “If what you think I’m telling you is that you’re stuck in Phoenix for the night, then yes.”
Cheer: “No. No. No. No. Please no.”
Dude: “Oh, yes, yes, yes.”
Cheer: “When’s the first flight out tomorrow?”
Dude: “11am.”
Cheer: “Balls.”
Dude: “So, I’ll issue that ticket?”
Cheer: “Yes.”
Dude: “OK. Here’s your boarding pass for tomorrow. You’re all checked in, just go to the gate in the morning.”
Cheer: “OK. So, what about a hotel?”
Dude: “Here’s a snazzy blue discount coupon.”
Cheer: “Excuse me?”
Dude: “Snah-aaaa-zzzee blah-uuuue…”
Cheer: “No. I mean, you’re not going to give me a free hotel after you stranded me?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Care to elaborate?”
Dude: “Well, my handy computer here says ‘Screw Cheer over. Tell her it’s due to weather in New York.”
Cheer: “Ummmm…”
Dude: “Weather delays aren’t our fault. We can’t control the weather.”
Cheer: “And I can?”
Dude: “No. But, we have all the airplanes, and therefore the upper hand. So, we don’t have to give you shit if we decide that weather is your problem and not ours.”
Cheer: “I see.”
Dude: “Glad we are on the same page. So…just call this number…”
Cheer: “Yeah… about that… I’m not quite to your page yet.”
Dude: “Just once I wish one of you bastard holiday travelers would just take the shit sandwich we’re dishing out and not whine. Jeez.”
Cheer: “So, lemme get this straight. You can’t get me to California. You can’t get me a free hotel. What can you get me?”
Dude: “Coupon. Snazzy blue.”
Cheer: “I’m not liking this deal. I’m totally losing. US Airways is getting all the money and all the winning.”
Dude: “And your point is…?”
Cheer: “How about some airline credit?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Upgrade my flight tomorrow?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Food voucher?”
Dude: “No.”
Cheer: “Sympathy?”
Dude: “Phhht. Hahaha!.”
Cheer: “OK. You can’t do anything for me. But, what about the person above you? What can he do?”
Dude: “Nothing.”
Cheer: “Nothing?”
Dude: “Noth-ing. Gosh! Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Are you done? Or do you really want my supervisor come tell you all the things I’ve just told you?”
Cheer: “Supervisor.”
Dude gets on the phone.
Dude: “Yeah… I have a disgruntled customer here… Can you come down? …JFK.”
Dude’s face suddenly changes and he types and clicks.
Dude: “Huh. OK. Thanks.”
Dude to Cheer: “So, looks like they’ve changed the computer memo. Now it says “Only half screw Cheer over. Tell her the delay was due to baggage, not weather.”
Cheer: “So that’s why we sat at the gate in NY for so long? Baggage?”
Dude: “Yeah.”
Cheer: “So…now it is your fault!”
Dude: “Yeah, yeah, get over yourself.”
Cheer: “So, now will you take this silly blue coupon and give me a fucking free-pass-for-reals voucher?”
Dude expressing extreme pain with a sigh: “Yes.”
Cheer: “And, ummm, so, now that’s it’s your fault, can I have a food voucher too please?”
More pain, Dude: “Yes.”
Cheer = Winner.