Party size: 2

Customer 1: Lady in her late 70s. It’s her birthday. She may or may not be aware of this fact.

Customer 2: Daughter of customer 1. In her 40s. She’s entirely too smiley. She also holds a look of vacancy as if her mind is in permanent hiding from the painful outside world.

These women were given the option of three tables which were placed entirely too close to one another. Like choosing the wrong urinal, anyone who chooses the middle table missed urinal etiquette day in school and/or is an alien who likes to sit really close to strangers. They chose the middle table.

After the proper type of H20, the fruitiest cocktail and sweetest white wine were delivered to their table, I journey to tell them the night’s specials. In my place of employment, there are no less than 6 specials on any given night and the telling of them can be a lengthy process.

Cheer: “Are you interested in hearing the specials?”

Aliens who like to sit really close to strangers: “Why yes, that would be lovely…like a ride on a fluffy cloud with Care Bears.”

Awkward pause.

Cheer: “Interesting analogy. Moving on… The soup tonight is spicy and you look fairly wimpy so you’re not going to order it…”

From the moment I begin reciting specials, Smiley-Pants begins nodding her head. People do this. It’s some kind of lizard brain reaction to one human telling another human information. Listener human nods showing he understands. Sometimes this mechanism spins out of control. Example: customer 2 aka bobblehead.

Cheer: “Wow. I’ve seen some serious head nodding in my short career as a waitress, but, I must say, you take the cake.”

Bobblehead: “Why thank you. I like cake.”

Cheer: “That’s good. Enjoyment of cake earns you normal-person points. Unfortunately, your timing on sharing that information negates said points. But I have lots of other specials to get through to take your mind off of your recent failure in social communication.”

Bobblehead: “Does that mean we’re getting back onto the cloud ride?”

Cheer: “Right back on that cloud. Let’s go. Our other appetizer is one that you will be enamored with and will also think is an entrée. Upon asking me to repeat it, you’ll realize it’s an appetizer and that you really can’t eat that much food if you plan on maintaining your aura of frailty. PS You’re still vehemently nodding your head.”

Lady: “Yes, I’m creepy and good at nodding.”

Cheer: “You’re serious about agreeing with me, huh? I could probably tell you that all of our food had been contaminated with bird flu and you’d have the same reaction with the head bobble.”

Bobblehead: “Why, yes. You speak only the truth.”

Cheer: “Ok. I’m two specials deep into a list of 6. I’m now smiling at you for no reason because it’s all I can do not to actually laugh at you. I’m really having a hard time here. It would be rather helpful if you’d just pause the whole head nodding business so I don’t have to forfeit the tip from your table due to my inappropriate laughing in your face.”

Nodder: “I really have no control over my head. It knows you’re telling me specials and it’s programmed to agree with you. I don’t understand the world so I really don’t know how to control my motor functions. Sorry, dear, but until you complete your specials spiel, I’ll be unable to return to normal.”

Cheer: “I feel like you just over shared, but I think I asked for it.”

Lady: “What’s over sharing?”

Cheer: “Let’s make a deal. You do your weird person thing and I’ll just look at your mom while I tell specials and we’ll all avoid an awkward outburst of server laughter.”

Lady: “Yay! Laughter!”

Cheer: “Our special fish tonight is Salmon… and peripheral vision is not my friend right now. I can still see your damn head. I’m just going to power through. I’ll just swallow my giggles and continue to grin like a moron…We also have pasta which you might like. It’s fresh and it’s got pasta in it. I’m going to level with ya. I’m bailing early. We only have 4 specials for you. Everyone else who doesn’t threaten my sanity gets 6 options, but I’m pretty much going to grab your head and football victory slam it into the floor to make you stop, or I’m going to run screaming now so I may release my reactionary laughter into the kitchen. After I’ve recovered, I’ll return for your order.”

Ladies: “Oh. Tee hee. We don’t know much about football.”

Cheer: “Of course not.”