Pre-shift staff meeting:

Manager: “So, we know it’s been a little hot in the restaurant lately.”

Staff: “It’s not a little hot, it’s I-don’t-want-to-be-outside-unless-I’m-naked-and-swimming-while-eating-a-popcicle hot.”

Manager: “I’ll allow you to feel that way, but it doesn’t mean I verify that statement’s absolute truth and I will actually disagree with you on principle.”

Staff: “Riiiiight.”

Manager: “Anyway, it’s been a little hot in the restaurant and we know it can be a wee bit, tiny bit uncomfortable.”

Staff: “We have heat rash between our ass cheeks.”

Manager: “We know that you’re sweating profusely and panting due to your rapid dehydration, but, we really want to hide that from the guests. So, please don’t fan yourself, or wipe your brow. We’d really love it if you could just pretend you’re a superhuman that doesn’t produce fluids.”

Staff: “So when we don’t wipe our brows and we drip sweat on to the tables, food, and customers, you want us to pretend it’s not happening?”

Manager: “Ideally.”

Staff: “Just to be clear, you don’t consider us humans, but annoying, sweating machinery.”

Manager: “Yes.”

Staff: “What about our customers? They want to physically beat us in the face until we get you to close the goddamn doors and turn the AC the fuck on.”

Manager: “Well, we’re very willing to give the guests free prosecco or sorbet.”

Staff: “What about us? We’re wearing twice as much clothing and running around. Can we have a glass of prosecco or some sorbet?”

Manager: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Staff: “Why don’t we just put all that free beverage and cold sugar money toward fixing the AC?”

Manager: “We’re working on it.”

Staff: “You’ve been working on it for 3 months.”

Manager: “Yeah, when we say we’re working on it, it really means we’re waiting for winter.”

Staff: “Is schadenfreude a requirement for being hired as a manager here?”

Manager: “Yes.”