Party size: 4

Table: not mine

Customers: 2 elderly married couples who might already be dead

Cheer: “I’m just minding my server business…do do do…takin’ care of my tables.”

Random lady not at one of Cheer’s tables: “Excuse me, miss.”

Cheer: “We pool tips in this restaurant, so it is to my benefit to stop and try to please you. What do you need?”

Lady: “I just wanted to pull you aside and waste some of your time.”

Cheer: “I’m used to that. Shoot.”

Lady: “Well, I thought I ought to mention to you how completely appalled I am by that gentleman over there.” (She points across the dining room.)

Cheer: “Oh. What is his crime?”

Lady: “Well, he’s failed to remove his baseball cap in this fine dining establishment.”

Cheer: “Seriously? That’s why you pulled me aside?”

Lady: “It’s really bothering me because I was born in 1860 and my mind is incapable of catching up with the times.”

Cheer: “I see.”

Lady: “Even though I’m seated with my back to him, I know he’s wearing it. I just can’t enjoy myself.”

Cheer: “You know you’re a broken human, right?”

Lady: “No, because I’m a total narcissist who thinks everyone else is here to serve my needs and agree with me.”

Cheer: “Well, we can do that for you, but, it’ll all be a lie in order to get you to tip us more.”

Lady: “I don’t know what tipping is. I have a husband who controls all the money keeps me in a cage of the past in our Carmel cottage.”

Cheer: “That sounds about right.”

Lady: “Anyhow, I’d like you to tell the owner that he really ought to enforce proper dining rules. He needs to set this lowly being straight and ask him to remove his hat – like any civilized person would.”

Cheer: “I’ll be sure to relay that message. PS I’m totally lying to you right now.”

Lady: “But, golly, you’re good at lying and I feel so much better.”

Cheer: “Good. Now slide gently back into the coma you call living and I’ll be on my way.”

Lady: “Yes, I certainly will. Thank you.”