Party size: 2

Customers: Two mid-twenties women, gussied up. Americans with Midwestern accents. Sober.

Cheer: “Do you prefer Pellegrino, Fiji, or ice water tonight?

The two women stare wide-eyed at each other.

Woman A: “Oh. Um. I… uhhh…”

Woman B: “I… uhhh… I don’t know.”

Woman A to Cheer: “Those are wines, right?”

Cheer: “I’m sorry, I mistook you for native, English-speaking, Americans.”

Women: “We are.”

Cheer takes a moment to hold back facial expressions representing her horror.

Cheer: “Water. What kind of water do you want?”

Women: “Uhhhh…”

Cheer: “Bottled or tap?”

Women: “Uh?”

Cheer: “Bottled. As in, it’s in a bottle. Or tap. As in, we get it from the faucet and poor it from a fancy pitcher.”

Woman A: “Oh! Bottled!”

Cheer: “OMG we’re making progress. Sparkling or still?”

Women: “Huh?”

Cheer: “Fucking shit, seriously? Seriously?! Water that is sparkling, carbonated, which has bubbles, con gas. Or water that is still, flat, not-carbonated, non-bubbly, sin gas.”

Woman A to Woman B: “Oh! Fizzy water. Do you want fizzy or no?”

Woman B: “Oh! Fizzy water, please.” 

Cheer: “OK. I’ll bring a bottle of Pellegrino.”

Women: “Huh?”

Cheer: “Oh. My. God. Fizzy water. I will bring you a bottle of fizzy water!”